Tunnel Vision

“Salem, you didn’t finish your dinner,” I point a paw, “there’s still Kibble on your plate.”

“I know. I’m full.”

“I don’t understand,” I say, staring at his plate.

“I’m full.”

My eyes blink.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he repeats with emphasis.

I shake my head, “I’m not following.”

Exasperated, he clears his throat, “I’m waiting to burp so I will have room to finish.”

“Oh,” I sigh, “why didn’t you say that, to begin with?”

A Simpler Time

I notice my little brother Salem with a large pile of twigs and sticks lying in front of him and ask, “What are you doing with those?”

“I’m going to throw them at that cute calico down the street.”

“And why on earth would you do that?”

“Because, when the little human did a cartwheel in front of Tommy at recess, she said he was pelting her with straws by lunchtime. And apparently, that means he really, really likes her, much more than Jenny because he only threw a spitball at her.” He places another stick down, “It’s foolproof.”

I scratch my head, “That sounds about right,” then I bitch slap him as hard as I can. As I’m fleeing for my life, I yell, “That just means I love you the most!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!”

……The Uncomfortable Truth…..

It’s a beautiful fall day outside. The leaves are rustling, and the squirrels are skittering about the yard. I, of course, am lounging on the sofa.

And my little brother Salem is darting around the room chasing a fly. He seems to be on a mission, and I watch.

He leaps over the ottoman in a single bound and bounces off the coffee table onto the carpet in one perfect move, sticking the landing. Two seconds later, he is sprinting in and out of the room and turning on a dime.

I notice his flexed muscles as he does a vertical leap into the air, extending his paws in an effort to catch the fly.

Putting my paw on my slightly protruding tummy, I say, “I’m going to need you to fail at that.”

Human Watching Part 2

Salem and I watch as one teenager puts her donut down with one hand and grasps her cell phone with the other, in between sobs.

The second teenager panics, “Oh my God, did something happen? Was Mom in an accident?”

Salem looks at me, “This is getting good.” I nod.

She takes a deep breath, “It’s Noah.” She clutches her phone, “He sent me a wink face emoji. So, then I sent him a vomit emoji by mistake,” she gasps. “Then I tried to fix it and I sent him a kissy face emoji and a potato emoji by accident.” She continues sobbing, “Then I panicked and sent him a cow, a carrot, and a baby!”

Both teenagers scream in unison.

“Okay, hand over the phone.” The second teen reaches out and pries the phone out of her hand. “Don’t worry, we can fix this. It’s going to be okay. ” She starts texting, “We’ll just tell him that Suki stepped on the phone, accidentally sending garble.”

Kibble falls out of my mouth as I stare in disbelief. “You just can’t trust humans,” I shake my head. “I wonder which emoji means, ‘I just peed on your shoe’?”

Human Watching Part 1

Sometimes, when my little brother Salem and I are bored, we like to sit and watch the smaller humans. It can be quite entertaining. Today, the two teenagers seem to be acting out a scene from daytime television.

Salem walks up to me and asks, “Teenager is crying? Was that Savannah girl being mean to her again at school? I don’t know why they are friends with her,” he shakes his head.

“No, they ousted her last week for wearing glitter lipstick. Keep up, will ya?”

We both watch intently. One teenager is sobbing uncontrollably when the other one walks up.

Her eyes widen as she approaches, “What. Are. You. Doing?” She holds her hands up in a halting motion, “Okay, calm down. Nothing is worth this.” She talks slower, “Put .. the.. donut.. down.”

Salem and I settle in. I hold out my paw, “Pass the Kibble.”

Yes, these are the days of our lives. Will the teenager drown her sorrows in a box of Krispy Kremes? Will they be friends with the cosmetically unfashionable Savannah, ever again? Will Salem pass the Kibble? All these questions and more will be answered next time on The World According To Suki.

To Be Continued…..

The Feral Life

Salem and I are looking out our window when we see this little bitty calico kick this labrador’s ass!! Our mouths drop open and we just stare in disbelief. I mean, she is some kind of fierce. I don’t know what he did to piss her off, but she’s giving him the business.

When he finally slinks away, she turns toward us and hisses. I peed a little, and Salem hid behind the curtain. I’m not 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure we’re not ready for the streets.

Salem later recalls to me how he told her, “you better not pull that crap on me.” I blink, “You said that to her?”

He points a paw toward his face, “With my eyes. I said it with my eyes.”

I stare at him and ask, “Can you tell what I’m saying with my eyes right now?”

A Contest I Can Win

My little brother Salem and I are sitting at our dinner plates overflowing with Kibble, when he moans, “Today sucks. Shorthair hasn’t returned my calls in days.”

“Big deal,” I reply, “I haven’t had a girl call me back all year.”

He stops eating and cuts his eyes at me, “Yeah, well, our last date sucked too. When I got home, I realized I had a piece of tuna stuck in between my teeth.”

“Please,” I roll my eyes, “the last time I had a date, it was with a Chihuahua.” I pause for effect, “and she gave me fleas.”

“Well, Shorthair told everyone I had bad breath. Felines all down the block were snickering at me for weeks.”

“So what? The Chihuahua said she only went out with me because of my pic on CATch.com.”

So.”

So, she thought I was a gerbil.”

Salem takes his paw and pushes his plate towards me, “You win.”

I scarf down the Kibble and think, “Damn right, I win. Nobody sucks more than I do,” oddly feeling better that I won at something.

Being a Big Brother at 5 a.m.

I hear my human’s alarm clock go off so I patiently sit by my food dish. A minute later my food dish is shockingly still empty. I trot over to her room to see what disaster has screwed up my mealtime.

I nod at Salem, “Is she awake yet?”

He shakes his head, “No, she hasn’t moved a muscle.”

I raise an eyebrow, “Hmm.” I glance over at the bed, “I bet she’s just pretending to be asleep.”

Salem stares at me, “Would a human really do that?”

He’s so naive. I flick out my claws and with one good tap of her foot, she bolts upright.

“HEY!”

I glance back at Salem with all the smugness I can muster, “See.”

Two seconds later breakfast is served. He has so much to learn.

Who Did it Better? Birthdays of the Past Edition

I walk into the room, and I see my little brother Salem dropping a dead mouse onto our human’s bed.

“What are you doing with that?” I ask him.

“I caught it for our human. You know it’s her birthday today, right?”

Yesss,” I reply. (Damn it!)

Not to be outdone by my little brother, I return with the remote I hid a week ago.

The Liebster Award

First, I would like to give many thanks to Julia DeNiro, All My Feels at https://juliadeniro.wordpress.com/ for nominating me. Her blog has something for everyone, poetry, science, food and everyday struggles. It’s all about life. Because I have been nominated, I can nominate others. The rules are as follows:

Rules:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and add a link to their blog
  2. Answer the 11 questions given to you
  3. Nominate 11 bloggers that you think deserves the award
  4. Ask 11 innovative questions to the ones you have nominated
  5. Remember to notify your nominees once you have uploaded your acknowledgement post

My answers to Julia’s questions are :

  1. Have you published any of your writing, or are you hoping to publish it?

I am not published yet, but very much hoping to be one day.

2. If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?

If I could have any superpower, it would be that of healing. Why I could go around to other cats, humans, and even dogs, and heal them with a single touch. My second superpower would be to turn anything I wanted into tuna!

3. What is your favorite travel destination?

My favorite destination spot in NYC. They have two of the best cat cafes around. It’s not easy being feline but they love us there.

4. What do you think is the biggest problem in the world today?

Oh, I believe the biggest problem in the world today is lack of tuna. If there were more tuna, no one would be hungry. If no one were hungry, they wouldn’t be grouchy. If they weren’t so grouchy, they would all get along better and bonus: if they all smelled like tuna, us felines would put up with their petting more and they in turn would be happier because who isn’t happy after petting an adorable kitty? It all comes down to tuna.

5. Do you do any art-related activities, either as a career or a hobby?

If scratching beautiful art into my human’s sofa counts as art, then yes, I am a practicing artist.

6. What is your favorite book genre?

My favorite book genre is comedy, of course. I feel everyone should laugh as much as possible.

7. What do you think is the most difficult part about being a writer?

Getting my paws to work on the keyboard!

8. Do you like spending time inside or outside better?

Oh, I’m an inside kitty through and through. I find the outdoors dirty and scary at times and nothing beats a warm fluffy pillow for naps.

9. Do you follow a religion (don’t answer this question if it’s too personal.)?

I am a God fearing feline! Side note: I am also a card carrying kitty of the ASPCA and PETA.

10. If you celebrate your birthday, when was the best birthday you ever had?

Birthday’s for me tend to be disasters. My humans usually ignore mine so I only have one favorite. Once, on my birthday, when I was a kitten, my humans left their pizza unattended at the table for three hours! Oh, I ate well that day, my friend. I ate well.

11. Do you think happiness is tied to material goods?

I think happiness is tied to tuna. Tuna and sunbeams. Find both and you will be completely satisfied.

My eleven nominees are:

Views and Mews by Coffee Kat: Kate’s views on life edited by three opinionated cats : https://coffeekatblog.com/ Kate’s hilarious observations of life around her are described in her blog and sometimes told by her adorable cats. Funny for felines and humans alike. Enjoy!

Adventures in Cheeseland: Possibly the Only WordPress Blog Hosted by Mice: https://cat9984.com/ This blog tells many wonderful stories from the points of view of many adorable animals. Pictures included!

lifecameos : https://wordpresscom7862wordpresscom.wordpress.com/ She posts wonderful poems that she writes. Her poetry about little humans makes them seem almost as good as cats!

CatCareTaker : https://catcaretakeryvon.wordpress.com/ This is about Charlie and Annie and their human Yvon. They are funny and cute and who doesn’t need a little cute in their lives right now?

Daily Feline Wisdom : https://7catsandcounting.com/ This blog contains daily pointers from not just adorable felines, but dogs, too. Too cute to ignore in my book.

Luanne Castle’s Writer Site : https://writersite.org/ Luanne is an award winning poet and author. She is also an amazing animal lover who blogs about her life and her work. Wonderful reads.

Mehrling Muse – Life in the Mountains: https://amehrling.com/ Anne tells wonderful adventures of her family and is recently posting her letters from the 80’s when she lived in England. They’re simply wonderful.

Joanne Sisco :My Life Lived Full : If you aren’t living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space https://mylifelivedfull.wordpress.com/ If you like the outdoors and if you want to be inspired to challenge yourself, I challenge you to read this blog! (and adopt a homeless pet!) Just had to add that in there.

Sarah Ferguson and Choppy : https://travelswithchoppy.com/ This blog features the amazing Choppy, a dog and his sidekick, the adorable cat Schooner. They often tell jokes and dress in costume. You just can’t beat that.

Journaling Supports My Well-Being : https://edyjournal.wordpress.com/ This blog is the personal journal of a highly intelligent and wonderful human who has gained much insight through her blog. I admire and respect her greatly.

derrycats: The Blessing of Animal Companions https://blessinganimalcompanions.wordpress.com/ An animal lover and an animal author making the world a better place!

Now I have hit my limit but will mention these last two:

Hands on Bowie and Jimi : https://hopedog.wordpress.com/ the coolest cats around!

Catwoods Porch Party : https://catwoodsporchparty.wordpress.com/ This is a shout out to Franklin and his feline buddies, they keep their blog award-free for personal reasons so I won’t nominate them, but I love them just the same.

My questions for them are:

  1. If cats could speak human, what do you think they would say to you?
  2. Have you ever done catnip and what was that like for you?
  3. Tuna or salmon?
  4. Who’s your favorite celebrity feline?
  5. Dogs in purses: yay or nay?
  6. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
  7. Do you have a sibling and did they ever sit on you?
  8. Do you wish you had fur instead of that weird skin?
  9. If your pet had opposable thumbs, what’s the first thing they would do in your house?
  10. If you were a feline, what would your name be?
  11. Have you ever eaten someone else’s food when they weren’t looking?

Thanks for lasting this long.

Human Conversations That Disrupt My Naps

“OMG Mom, why can’t I just buy the plaid skirt?”

“Skirt?!! I thought that was a belt!”

Our little human rolls her eyes, “LOL Mom, you’re so funny.”

“Speak English. I swear, one day you’re going to tell me I need to kmj to the lmno so my qrs will work.”

“Mom, all the kids on Tik Tok are wearing skirts like that. If I don’t, I’ll be a loser.”

“Tik Tok? Is that the new word for weed? We’ve talked about drugs dear, as long as you live in my house, you follow my rules.”

“AAhh!!! Mom, I’m not even sure we’re living on the same planet! You don’t understand. You’re old.” (Now, I may be a cat, but even I felt that one sting.)

“Well, of course, you think I’m old, you’re 11.”

“Can I at least start shaving my legs? I swear, Mom, no one would be my partner in PE last year because they were afraid that if my legs rubbed together, it would start a small fire!”

“Fine, if you promise to be careful. And stop being so dramatic.”

Our little human throws her arms in the air and walks away mumbling, “I’m going to die. Everyone at my new school is going to think I’m a dork.”

My human yells after her, “Don’t worry dear, we’ll have a very nice funeral for you.”

Ah, peace and quiet. Now, I can take a nap.

Ah, Saturday With My Brother

It’s a typical Saturday morning, and I find myself pinned to the floor with my little brother Salem sitting on top of me.

“Say it. Say I’m the king.” He looks me square in the eyes and smiles.

“No! You’re not the king. You’re a fat-faced doo-doo head who couldn’t catch a mouse if he had opposable thumbs,” I sputter in defiance. I find it is important not to lose my dignity in these kinds of situations.

In a bold and classic sibling move, he grabs my tail and holds it, flicking and twitching, to my face. “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” he mocks.

“AAhhhh! Stop that!” He finally releases his grip, and I wiggle out from under him. With one swipe of my paw, I slap his stupid face and flee to my human’s room where I know I will have protection.

Later that day, Salem mysteriously finds his favorite stick toy floating in the toilet. I sit and watch from my human’s bed in delight as he fishes it out. Well played, Suki. Well played, I tell myself.

It is only later, as I start to take a nap, I pause and wonder if it is wise to close my eyes right now?

I’m On The Move

My humans are in the middle of moving to another state this week so I am currently staying at a hotel.

Hotels suck.

Apparently, there are two classes of hotels. There are regular hotels with their clean crisp sheets and fancy doors that lock, and then there are hotels that allow pets.

Yes, mine is the one with sketchy alley cats hanging out in the parking lot peddling catnip and questionable Frooskie’s treats out of the back of their carriers. I attempted to hide under the bed when strange noises began emanating from the other side of the wall but a mean butterfly had already claimed that spot.

My little brother Salem acted all tough at first, like he was some kind of badass feral and in his element, but the first time a cat with matted fur and missing teeth approached him asking for some tuna, he ran and hid in the bathroom. A bathroom, by the way, I could swear had the chalk outline of a terrier on its floor.

It’s scary as crap. Rumors are flying around that the only food available on the streets is dry and off-brand. Consequently, I’m doing everything I can not to get shut out of the room accidentally.

If you don’t hear from me again, there’s a good chance I’ve met my demise and some rabid little Shih Tzu is picking bits of me out of his teeth.

Flirting Advice From Salem

I’m staring out the window, admiring this cute feline from down the road when my little brother Salem comes over.

“You gotta make your move, man. She’s never going to notice you if you don’t.”

“I don’t have a move,” I answer, bowing my head. I’m just not as smooth with the ladies.

He waves a paw, “Catch a spider in front of her. That drives the girls wild.”

I shake my head, “I can’t do a spider. They creep me out.”

Salem laughs at me, “Then catch something else, Duffus.” He turns and taps the glass causing her to look my way.

Ack! I’m not prepared. I quickly glance around and begin flailing about at a fly. Then I arch my back, puff up my tail, bend down and eat it.

Salem’s mouth drops open, he raises an eyebrow and looks to the floor, “What was that?”

I keep my head low and mumble, “A raisin. A dusty old raisin.” I slink away with the fly following me.

Ode to a Grasshopper

Sasha, Salem, and I are sitting in the living room window admiring the various wildlife outside when we all spy a small cricket at the same time. Ah, nature. It’s a beautiful thing.

Salem points a paw at it and says, “Oh, I could have that eaten in one second.”

I roll my eyes, “Sure you could, it’s tiny.”

Irked, he gestures to a larger grasshopper sitting on the deck, “I could eat that, too,” then he grins, “all in one bite!”

We all look at the grasshopper in wonder, sitting in the golden sunlight, its green legs tapping the deck. Out of nowhere, a large hairy brown spider, the size of a human’s skull, rips the grasshopper’s head off and devours it whole.

My eyes pop out. Sasha faints.

Salem gulps, “I think I need to go clean my stick toy now.”

If we ever get the urge to view animals in the wild again, we will turn on the T.V. and watch Pets of The Real Housewives.

Hmpf!

My little brother Salem has been seeing a feline named Shorthair recently. I don’t know what she sees in him and not me. He drools and snores for Pete’s sake. What has he got that I haven’t? I look over at him, sleeping on the floor, with that stupid smug look on his face. I just want to smack it.

He just thinks he’s better than me now doesn’t he? I’ll bet they just sit around laughing at me. He probably tells her that I’m just his little servant. A loser kitty with fleas who can’t get a date. He probably jokes that dogs won’t even date me.

I cut my eyes at him sleeping over there like some kind of king. Who does he think he is anyway?

I start to walk away and as I pass by him he opens his eyes and asks, “Is dinner ready?”

I bitch slap him. “Dating has changed you.”