A Scaredy-Cat, A Teen, Some Blood, Oh My

Our Teenager hobbled upstairs today, blood pouring from his foot, exclaiming he had just stepped on a small light bulb. We all ran over to see the excitement.

Blood was spewing out of him like water from a fire hose. I stopped and stared in awe. Sasha fainted.

Salem pointed a paw and said, “You’re going to die.” Then he turned away. I glanced over and his face was turning green.

I waved my paw, “That ain’t nothing. Whatcha afraid of?”

Salem cut his eyes at me, “I’m no scaredy-cat. I don’t let stuff like that bother me at all.”

I shake my head, “No. That is not your style,” my eyes roll upward.

Teenager runs in ten directions at once leaving red streaks and puddles all over the floor. Later, as Salem is walking away, he slips and falls. When he lifts his paw up and sees red goo all over it, he passes out.

“Yeah, you’re a regular lion.” I just step over him and take the good spot on the bed.

Pride Goeth Before The Fall

My little brother Salem was riding one of his bouts of excessive bragging today when he did the unthinkable. It went down like this:

My sister Sasha and I were looking out the window, watching a woodpecker hammer away at a tree when Salem walks up.

“I ate one of those before. They’re pretty good.” He smiles and flicks his paw toward the bird.

“Sure you did,” I roll my eyes. Sasha just stares at him, half smiling, half wondering if it’s true.

Salem straightens up and points a paw right at me, “I did too. It was chewy, but good.”

Feeling superior, well, because I am, I counter, “You know lying is a sin. You could burn in Hell with all the bad dogs.” Sasha gasps.

His eyes narrow, his tail puffs up and poking his paw at me with each word, he says, “I’M. NOT. LYING.”

Then I say it. The big It. “Swear to God?” Sasha’s mouth drops open and even I am stunned to have spoken those words out loud.

Salem gulps. But he doesn’t back down. “I swear.” We all step back. For every creature knows that once those words are uttered, there is no taking them back. No out clause, no back tracking or fine legal print to save you. For we all know that if you swear on a lie, you go straight to Hell. We were taught since kittenhood that God created us and that he did not tolerate creatures who lied. Hell is horrible. It is filled with rabid dogs barking non-stop and even worse: there is no food in Hell.

Beads of sweat trickle down his cheeks. We all glance around in silence waiting to see what would happen. A piece of dust fell to the floor.

After a few minutes Salem takes a deep breath, visually relieved to have not been struck down by lightening right there and then in our human’s living room. His voice quivers, “See,” and he stumbles away on shaky legs.

I’m pretty sure I heard several “Hail Mary’s” under his breath as he tottered off. A very important lesson was learned today: You don’t lie to Suki.

My Little Brother Brags Too Much, So……

Lately, my little brother Salem has been bragging like a dog about his two dates with Shorthair. It fluffs my tail if you know what I mean.

So, needless to say, I was not in the most gracious mood today.

Salem saunters over to take a sip of water out of our new water dish.

I hold up my paw, “Halt! You can’t drink out of that.”

Salem’s mouth drops open and he stares at me, “Why not?”

“That dish is sacred. Do you see that chip on the edge? It is said that it came from the human who is a cousin to the human who once pet Grumpy Cat’s real live mother.” My paw flourishes over the dish to show the magnitude of the situation.

He steps back in awe, “Ahh, I had no idea.”

I puff up my chest with pride and lower my voice in respect of “the dish”. I point a paw toward our human’s bathroom toilet, “You may drink from there.”

Salem trots off and I snicker as I drink the sweet water of revenge.

Nightly Games

Salem and I are playing our nightly game of Truth or Dare. I look at him and say, “I dare you to go from the living room to the kitchen without touching the floor.”

“Easy peasy,” he waves a paw at me. He turns and bounds from the top of the sofa to the back of the chair in one glorious leap that rivals that of any leopard. Then he soars from the back of the chair to the breakfast bar. As he slides across it, he knocks off two cups before careening to a stop.


He smiles and looks at me, “My turn. Truth or Dare?”

My physical prowess tends to rival that of the fat cat Garfield than anyone else, so why embarrass myself? “Truth.”

Salem narrows his eyes at me, “Did you tell Shorthair that I have fleas?”

“Ummm…” (What I said was that I saw a flea on you. Really, I don’t know how these things get so exaggerated.)


Costumes Suck

My day did not start well. I decided to dress up like a squirrel for Halloween. I mistakenly thought that it might impress Shorthair. But that is not how it went down. Salem pointed and laughed at me and Shorthair snickered.

So, I decided to spend some alone time to think and jumped in my favorite window sil.

I’m sitting in the window, gazing at the wilderness that is our backyard, when I spot a Felis catus sitting in the grass.

Matted hair sticks up in places on her back. Her colors can only be described as dingy brown and dirty black. I look closer and I think I see a leaf stuck to her butt. I stare a little more. I can’t help myself. I try to tear my eyes away but it’s like watching a wreck, they keep getting drawn back to her.

She’s not very muscular, either. In fact, she’s a tad pudgy. She’s just sitting there, chewing on her claws. Ew, they have dirt under them. Wait, she sees something. In one awkward and clunky move, she pounces on a fly and eats it. Oh. My. God.

I think I’m in love. #Swoon #She’sTheMostBeautifulCreatureI’veEverSeen #ShorthairWho?

Questionable Choices

The life of a cat is really only as exciting as you make it. And Salem and I like to make it exciting. At least fun. Today we decided to go check out “teenager’s” room.

We walk in and it’s a virtual pig sty. In cat world, it’s a treasure trove of things to smell, scratch, and places to hide.

Salem and I immediately start sniffing around. Right off I spot a plate with a small brown lump-like object on it. I point a paw, “I dare you to eat that.”

Salem’s eyebrows raise and a grin spreads across his face. “Challenge accepted.”

He bends down and sniffs it. His face contorts as though he ate a lemon. I can tell it must be something foul, but I know my brother. He has his pride.

He leans over and forces it down in one gulp. My paw flies to my mouth as my breakfast tuna almost makes a reappearance. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

He burps with satisfaction and smiles at me.

Later that day, I stumble across the gruesome trail Salem leaves behind on his way to the litter box.

Maybe we should stick to hide and seek.

Trick or Treat With Suki the Cat

My little brother Salem rubs his head with his paw after our little human leaves, “He always pets my head too hard.”

“He’s testing it to see if your brains are ripe,” I inform him, grinning.

“What?” Salem’s eyes widen.

“Yeah. You know that little human eats brains, right?”

“You’re lying,” Salem waves a paw at me.

“Haven’t you heard the other little humans talking about it? They like to sing:

If he touches your head

it’s your brains that he feels

and if they seem ripe

he eats them with meals.

Salem doesn’t even respond, he just runs under the bed to hide.

Huh, look at that. He left his tuna treats. Guess I should eat them. #HalloweenIsFunILoveTreats