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#FelineAA #RidingTheNip

My brother Salem has been riding the catnip wave all day. His eyes are glazed over and he can’t even stand up right now. It’s humiliating. What if the Tabby next door comes by? Shit, I can’t have my little brother embarrassing me like this.

I decide to talk to him. “Salem, you can’t keep doing the “nip”. That shit will mess you up, man. You’re flopping around like a lunatic. Your mews are incoherent. You look like you haven’t licked your fur in days. It’s getting bad.”

He just rolls around rubbing his face against anything that moves. #HighAsAKite #CatNipJunkie Damn, I hope Tabby doesn’t come by when he’s like this. She’ll tell everyone. It’ll be all over the neighborhood. That bleeping Siamese down the street is blabbermouth. Crap, I got a rep to protect. I have to go find his stash and hide it. Freaking little brothers…

#MidnightGamesInTheGardenOfGoodAndEvil

It’s midnight and Salem and I are playing our usual game of Truth or Dare.

I look at Salem, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to race back and forth across our human’s bed while she sleeps.”

Salem darts off and comes back a few seconds later panting and laughing. “My turn, truth or dare?”

I think for a second, “Truth.”

“What was the last trick you played on me?”

“Do you remember that time you got busted for shredding our human’s sweater?”

Salem’s face brightens, “Yeah, I don’t even know how that got in my bed…”

I smile.

His eyes get big, “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy….”

#StoriesBrothersTell

I see the sun shining through the windows and head for the bedroom. I’ve recently discovered a secret spot where the sun hits at noon perfectly, making it warm and cozy.

I walk in and … “SALEM!”

He’s just about to assume the napping position when he looks up at me and asks, “What?”

“What on earth are you doing? You can’t lay there. Have you gone mad?”

“Uh, no. Why not? It looks perfect.” His eyes dart around looking for danger.

I point my paw to the very area the sunbeam is hitting, “Why it was on this very spot in 1944 that a little Calico named Moonbeam was brutally murdered by a bulldog who had just escaped the pound.”

His mouth drops open, “No way.”

“Yes, it is so. And it is said that anyone who lays in this very spot will suffer the same fate.” I lower my head to express my grief.

“Oh, man. Thanks for warning me.” He pats me on the back and saunters off into the living room.

“What are big brothers for?” I curl up in my sunbeam and sleep the sleep of the superior. What a dumbass.

#She’llNeverSuspectAThing

I see Salem in the kitchen pacing back and forth frantically.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. Why? What makes you think something’s up? Nothing’s up.”

I eyeball him. “What. Did. You. Do?”

He stands still for a scant second, “I took a drink of that,” he points a shaking paw at our human’s coffee cup.

He goes back to pacing at a jaguar’s speed, back and forth, mumbling, “Oh no, I don’t know what to do, it was bitter anyway and not worth it so she shouldn’t yell, I hope she doesn’t yell, do you think she’ll know it was me?” His paws twitch from time to time as he talks.

I shake my head, “She won’t suspect a thing.”

I walk away rolling my eyes so hard I worry they might not go back into the forward position.

#SometimesHeDoesItWithABritishAccent

Salem is hovering above our communal dish in the pantry when I walk up.

He stands at attention and points a paw to the dish. “We have a bold new beverage for your consumption today.”

I step closer and glance into the bowl.

He waves his paw over it and puffs out his chest, “It’s quite delicious. Audacious, if I may. It brings to mind a fragrant stroll in the green fields of exotic New Zealand. For your drinking pleasure.” He clicks his hind paws together and waves his paw again.

I lap up a small taste, raise my paw ever so delicately, and smack him across his head with it. “It’s water you chucklehead.” #PretentiousBastard #We’reCommonDomesticCatsAndDon’tYouForgetIt

#AhToBeASibling

I’m bored, so I look around to see what Salem is up to. I spot him in front of the doorway window making googley eyes at the neighborhood alley cat, Cupcake.

Since I’m pretty sure he would be happy to have his girlfriend witness his pudgy, orange-haired older brother come by and lick him on the head right now, I decide to dart right over as fast as I can.

Life is good.

#Don’tEatMyTreatsAgain

I can hear our human yelling. Salem is hiding in his box.

“What happened? Is our human mad?”

“Oh yeah. She keeps yelling at me and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Did you check her food first to see if it’s too hot?”

“Yes.”

“Did you fluff her sweater like I showed you?”

“Yep, first thing this morning.”

“Well, she did buy a new pair of shoes yesterday. Maybe they smell like dog or something. I think you should go mark them for her. That should make her happy.”

“Really? Gee, thanks.”

“What are big brothers for?” #That’sRight.ISawYouEatMyTreatsLastNight #MessWithSukiYouGetTheClaws

#OneOfThoseDays

Salem gets right up in my face today, “Smell my breath.”

“No.”

“Come on, smell it.”

I paw him, “I’d rather lick a dog.”

“Come on,” he grins real wide and throws a big puff of bad breath at me causing my whiskers to curl, “guess what I just ate?”

He trots in a circle around me smiling. Then he leans in and says, “BB-Q ribs! I ate our human’s BB-Q rib. And it was gooood.”

My eyes widen. I glance around the room. Before I can say anything, I hear our human.

“SAAAALLLLEM!!!”

“Oh shit! Gotta go,” All that is left is a few hairs floating in the air when she walks up. You can tell it’s going to be one of those days.