I’m curled up taking my nap when Salem paws me awake. I narrow my eyes and pause for a second before I decide whether or not to kill him now or after I finish resting and have more energy.

“Hey,” he pokes me again, “why is our little human crying?”

I lift my head a little, “Oh that. He has a horrible disease.”

“No kidding?” His eyes get wide and he stares at the small human slumped over the kitchen table sobbing uncontrollably. He steps back a little, “I hope it’s not contagious. What does he have?”

“It’s called Algebra.”


#FelineAA #RidingTheNip

My brother Salem has been riding the catnip wave all day. His eyes are glazed over and he can’t even stand up right now. It’s humiliating. What if the Tabby next door comes by? Shit, I can’t have my little brother embarrassing me like this.

I decide to talk to him. “Salem, you can’t keep doing the “nip”. That shit will mess you up, man. You’re flopping around like a lunatic. Your mews are incoherent. You look like you haven’t licked your fur in days. It’s getting bad.”

He just rolls around rubbing his face against anything that moves. #HighAsAKite #CatNipJunkie Damn, I hope Tabby doesn’t come by when he’s like this. She’ll tell everyone. It’ll be all over the neighborhood. That bleeping Siamese down the street is blabbermouth. Crap, I got a rep to protect. I have to go find his stash and hide it. Freaking little brothers…

Breakfast in Bed

Smelling food, I instinctively walk into the kitchen. One of the little humans is cooking. Umm, smells good.

I stop dead in my tracks. Glancing around I spot my sister Sasha and my little brother Salem nearby, “Hide!” I shout.

Once we are safely hidden, Salem turns to me, “Why are we hiding?”

In between pants, I reply, “One of the little humans is flipping pancakes with our litter box scoop.”

A grin spreads across Salem’s face, “But that isn’t our fault.”

“I know, but our human is almost done eating. Do you want to be around when she finds out?”

I Bet

Salem: “I bet I can jump on that countertop.”

Me: “I bet I can jump on that cabinet.”

Salem: “I bet I can jump on top of the cabinet.”

Two seconds later I am standing in a puddle of water, broken dishes and scattered utensils. I look around at the mess and scratch my head. “I bet I can jump on top of the refrigerator.”

My Crappy Day

My little brother, Salem, and I end up at the Vet’s office today for our annual checkup. I’m healthy as can be, but whatever.

We are both sitting in our carrier and the prettiest tabby you ever laid eyes on walks up to us. Her hair is spun of gold I tell you, pure gold.

I can’t think of anything to say to her. Finally, I get so nervous my body starts to vibrate and before I can stop myself, “Purrrrrrrrrr.”

Oh my God! Did I just flipping purr out loud? Tabby’s eyes wrinkle up and she turns toward Salem, “Do you come here often?”

He just smiles and winks at her and they start chatting it up. Asshole.

They spend the next thirty minutes chatting while I hide in the back of the carrier.

This place blows.

Nothing Is Free Anymore

I walk into the living room and see a small pile of treats sitting by the window sil. “Well, well, what do we have here?” There’s a note. “Merry Christmas, Salem. Love Shorthair.”

I sniff the treats a couple of times. They don’t smell like tuna, but who am I to argue with free treats? Two bites later and they’re gone. I turn and see Salem walking towards me.

“What. Are. You. Doing?”

“Nothing,” I mumble.

My lie unravels quickly as crumbs fall from my mouth. Salem’s eyes turn into tiny little slits.

I gulp, “Okay, okay. You caught me. I was eating some treats I found by the window.” I slowly move to the left and cover the note with my butt.

“Oh. Next time, share,” he points a paw at me and walks away. That went oddly well.

An hour later my stomach isn’t feeling so good and I begin to yak like nobody’s business. I throw up everywhere. I can’t stop. I swear, a marble I ate as a kitten came back up. My tummy finally starts to settle down and out of the corner of my eye I see Salem laughing.

As the realization of what happened hits me, I lie down, too weak to chase him. Revenge will just have to wait. “Well played, little brother. Well played.”

You're Closer

I look around and see our new Christmas toys strewn all over the house. If our human steps on one, she’s going to be mad.

“Salem, can you pick up those toys by the door?”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I would if it weren’t for my paws.”

“What’s wrong with your paws?”

“They aren’t as close to the door as your’s.”

Naughty and Nice: Merry Christmas to All

Ah, the moment of glory is almost upon me. That moment when I present my human with what is to be the most illustrious gift she has ever received. The stunned look of surprise and admiration that will come across her face is going to go down in history subsequently marking my gift as the greatest feline gift of all time.

This is it. I trot up to my human and mew to get her attention. She smiles and looks down on me with loving eyes. I’ve got her eating out of the pad of my paw. I smile back and drop my beloved and beautiful Meow Mix leopard print mouse with the long string tail and belly that squeaks when you bite it at her feet. I sit back and await the marvelous harrahs and praise she is about to shower upon me for such an excellent and generous gift.

Here it comes. She bends down and gently pats the top of my head and coos. Oh, this is going to be good. I tremble with anticipation.

“Well, isn’t this the sweetest thing you ever saw? Thank you both so much. You’re the best little kitties in the world.”

What the @%$#!&*! Both? Perplexed, I turn my head slightly to the left, and to my horror, sitting right beside me with the biggest grin you ever laid eyes on, is my little brother, Salem.

Oh, I’ve been outmaneuvered. Swindled. Bamboozled and hoodwinked. Yes, I’ve been duped by the best in the business. I would like to take this time to say “Merry Christmas to all and God bless you, each and every one,” but first I have to kill a cat.