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#IHopeIt’sNotContagious

I’m curled up taking my nap when Salem paws me awake. I narrow my eyes and pause for a second before I decide whether or not to kill him now or after I finish resting and have more energy.

“Hey,” he pokes me again, “why is our little human crying?”

I lift my head a little, “Oh that. He has a horrible disease.”

“No kidding?” His eyes get wide and he stares at the small human slumped over the kitchen table sobbing uncontrollably. He steps back a little, “I hope it’s not contagious. What does he have?”

“It’s called Algebra.”

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#FelineAA #RidingTheNip

My brother Salem has been riding the catnip wave all day. His eyes are glazed over and he can’t even stand up right now. It’s humiliating. What if the Tabby next door comes by? Shit, I can’t have my little brother embarrassing me like this.

I decide to talk to him. “Salem, you can’t keep doing the “nip”. That shit will mess you up, man. You’re flopping around like a lunatic. Your mews are incoherent. You look like you haven’t licked your fur in days. It’s getting bad.”

He just rolls around rubbing his face against anything that moves. #HighAsAKite #CatNipJunkie Damn, I hope Tabby doesn’t come by when he’s like this. She’ll tell everyone. It’ll be all over the neighborhood. That bleeping Siamese down the street is blabbermouth. Crap, I got a rep to protect. I have to go find his stash and hide it. Freaking little brothers…

Why There’s No Privacy

I hear a banging sound and it’s interrupting my naptime. I go into the dining room and my little brother Salem is scratching and pounding on the bedroom door.

“Why are you pounding on the door?”

“Because our human closed it.”

“So?”

“So?! So?! What if she’s eating tuna and playing with a new catnip toy in there?”

I lift my paw, “Let me help you.”

Can We Keep It?

My little brother Salem runs up to me all excited, “I caught this lizard.” He lifts his paw just enough to show the reptile squirming underneath. “Can we keep him?”

“What for?”

“I tore the tip of his tail off and I want to see if it grows back.”

I glare at him, “Remember the butterfly?”

“For the last time, I thought his wings were velcroed on.”

Mystery Solved

All I can hear is our human yelling in the laundry room. I look over at Salem, “What. Did. You. Do?”

He shrugs his shoulders, “I just used the litter box.”

“Well, did you cover good?”

“Not in the ‘traditional’ sense,” he averts his eyes.

“Well…” I tap my paw and wait.

“There may have been a blouse sitting outside the litter box that got pulled in when I was scratching.”

Salem’s Rant

I jump onto the bed to take a little nap and I see my little brother Salem already sitting there looking annoyed. He glances at me and starts jabbering away like I invited him to or something. Sheesh.

“Shorthair thinks she’s so cool now that she’s working,” he rolls his eyes at me.

“What does she do?” I ask.

“She’s a therapy cat part-time now.” He glares over at me, “Big deal. I give our little humans therapy for free all the time.” His paw flails in the air and spit flies out at me when he says this.

He continues, “I listen. I never judge.” He places his paw on his chest, “When the little girl human wore plaid with stripes I didn’t mew a word, not a single word. And remember the perm of 2017? Did I hiss or scratch? No, I did not.”

“You’re a regular saint, you are,” I nod at him.

“Bet your tail I am.”

I decided it might be more peaceful in another room and start to leave. As I’m walking away I still hear rumblings.

“Free back rubs, sweater fluffs, food tastings…”