You Have To Love Brothers

I’m in the living room with my little brother Salem when I see the Maine Coon from next door walking up to the window. I mention this to Salem, and he frantically starts looking around for a place to hide.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t go out with her again! She’s nuts. Just go along with me, okay?”

The Maine Coon walks up, and Salem flops to the floor and closes his eyes.

So, of course, I invite her inside. I throw a paw toward Salem, “He’s not feeling very well.” She looks over and frowns.

Then, being the good big brother that I am, I bend over and wipe his nose with a tissue, “I think it’s time for somebody’s suppository.”

Fun With Dick And Jane

Two of the little humans in our household were recently inspired by a movie. In the scene, a man and woman are seen rolling around while tossing $100 bills into the air. “Raining money”, they called it.

Our little humans felt they could do better. One laid down on the floor while the other one ran to get the money. Seconds later, screams and shouts were heard as one poured a jar containing $78.32 in coins on top of the other one.

Salem and I laughed so hard our Kibble almost came back up. We heard there’s another movie called 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, so we’re pretty pumped!

What the Calico Thought

The beautiful calico down the street stopped by today to chat.

Bored, we decide to watch Salem scarf down all the food in his dish, a magnificent feat he accomplishes in under thirty seconds. Then he lifts his head and smiles at us, Meow Mix running down his chin.

The calico points a paw, “So that’s your little brother?”

“Yep,” I reply.

She just stares at him, “The resemblance is uncanny.”

Tunnel Vision

“Salem, you didn’t finish your dinner,” I point a paw, “there’s still Kibble on your plate.”

“I know. I’m full.”

“I don’t understand,” I say, staring at his plate.

“I’m full.”

My eyes blink.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he repeats with emphasis.

I shake my head, “I’m not following.”

Exasperated, he clears his throat, “I’m waiting to burp so I will have room to finish.”

“Oh,” I sigh, “why didn’t you say that, to begin with?”

A Simpler Time

I notice my little brother Salem with a large pile of twigs and sticks lying in front of him and ask, “What are you doing with those?”

“I’m going to throw them at that cute calico down the street.”

“And why on earth would you do that?”

“Because, when the little human did a cartwheel in front of Tommy at recess, she said he was pelting her with straws by lunchtime. And apparently, that means he really, really likes her, much more than Jenny because he only threw a spitball at her.” He places another stick down, “It’s foolproof.”

I scratch my head, “That sounds about right,” then I bitch slap him as hard as I can. As I’m fleeing for my life, I yell, “That just means I love you the most!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!”

……The Uncomfortable Truth…..

It’s a beautiful fall day outside. The leaves are rustling, and the squirrels are skittering about the yard. I, of course, am lounging on the sofa.

And my little brother Salem is darting around the room chasing a fly. He seems to be on a mission, and I watch.

He leaps over the ottoman in a single bound and bounces off the coffee table onto the carpet in one perfect move, sticking the landing. Two seconds later, he is sprinting in and out of the room and turning on a dime.

I notice his flexed muscles as he does a vertical leap into the air, extending his paws in an effort to catch the fly.

Putting my paw on my slightly protruding tummy, I say, “I’m going to need you to fail at that.”

Human Watching Part 2

Salem and I watch as one teenager puts her donut down with one hand and grasps her cell phone with the other, in between sobs.

The second teenager panics, “Oh my God, did something happen? Was Mom in an accident?”

Salem looks at me, “This is getting good.” I nod.

She takes a deep breath, “It’s Noah.” She clutches her phone, “He sent me a wink face emoji. So, then I sent him a vomit emoji by mistake,” she gasps. “Then I tried to fix it and I sent him a kissy face emoji and a potato emoji by accident.” She continues sobbing, “Then I panicked and sent him a cow, a carrot, and a baby!”

Both teenagers scream in unison.

“Okay, hand over the phone.” The second teen reaches out and pries the phone out of her hand. “Don’t worry, we can fix this. It’s going to be okay. ” She starts texting, “We’ll just tell him that Suki stepped on the phone, accidentally sending garble.”

Kibble falls out of my mouth as I stare in disbelief. “You just can’t trust humans,” I shake my head. “I wonder which emoji means, ‘I just peed on your shoe’?”

Human Watching Part 1

Sometimes, when my little brother Salem and I are bored, we like to sit and watch the smaller humans. It can be quite entertaining. Today, the two teenagers seem to be acting out a scene from daytime television.

Salem walks up to me and asks, “Teenager is crying? Was that Savannah girl being mean to her again at school? I don’t know why they are friends with her,” he shakes his head.

“No, they ousted her last week for wearing glitter lipstick. Keep up, will ya?”

We both watch intently. One teenager is sobbing uncontrollably when the other one walks up.

Her eyes widen as she approaches, “What. Are. You. Doing?” She holds her hands up in a halting motion, “Okay, calm down. Nothing is worth this.” She talks slower, “Put .. the.. donut.. down.”

Salem and I settle in. I hold out my paw, “Pass the Kibble.”

Yes, these are the days of our lives. Will the teenager drown her sorrows in a box of Krispy Kremes? Will they be friends with the cosmetically unfashionable Savannah, ever again? Will Salem pass the Kibble? All these questions and more will be answered next time on The World According To Suki.

To Be Continued…..

The Feral Life

Salem and I are looking out our window when we see this little bitty calico kick this labrador’s ass!! Our mouths drop open and we just stare in disbelief. I mean, she is some kind of fierce. I don’t know what he did to piss her off, but she’s giving him the business.

When he finally slinks away, she turns toward us and hisses. I peed a little, and Salem hid behind the curtain. I’m not 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure we’re not ready for the streets.

Salem later recalls to me how he told her, “you better not pull that crap on me.” I blink, “You said that to her?”

He points a paw toward his face, “With my eyes. I said it with my eyes.”

I stare at him and ask, “Can you tell what I’m saying with my eyes right now?”

A Contest I Can Win

My little brother Salem and I are sitting at our dinner plates overflowing with Kibble, when he moans, “Today sucks. Shorthair hasn’t returned my calls in days.”

“Big deal,” I reply, “I haven’t had a girl call me back all year.”

He stops eating and cuts his eyes at me, “Yeah, well, our last date sucked too. When I got home, I realized I had a piece of tuna stuck in between my teeth.”

“Please,” I roll my eyes, “the last time I had a date, it was with a Chihuahua.” I pause for effect, “and she gave me fleas.”

“Well, Shorthair told everyone I had bad breath. Felines all down the block were snickering at me for weeks.”

“So what? The Chihuahua said she only went out with me because of my pic on CATch.com.”

“So.”

“So, she thought I was a gerbil.”

Salem takes his paw and pushes his plate towards me, “You win.”

I scarf down the Kibble and think, “Damn right, I win. Nobody sucks more than I do,” oddly feeling better that I won at something.

Being a Big Brother at 5 a.m.

I hear my human’s alarm clock go off so I patiently sit by my food dish. A minute later my food dish is shockingly still empty. I trot over to her room to see what disaster has screwed up my mealtime.

I nod at Salem, “Is she awake yet?”

He shakes his head, “No, she hasn’t moved a muscle.”

I raise an eyebrow, “Hmm.” I glance over at the bed, “I bet she’s just pretending to be asleep.”

Salem stares at me, “Would a human really do that?”

He’s so naive. I flick out my claws and with one good tap of her foot, she bolts upright.

“HEY!”

I glance back at Salem with all the smugness I can muster, “See.”

Two seconds later breakfast is served. He has so much to learn.

Who Did it Better? Birthdays of the Past Edition

I walk into the room, and I see my little brother Salem dropping a dead mouse onto our human’s bed.

“What are you doing with that?” I ask him.

“I caught it for our human. You know it’s her birthday today, right?”

“Yesss,” I reply. (Damn it!)

Not to be outdone by my little brother, I return with the remote I hid a week ago.

Ah, Saturday With My Brother

It’s a typical Saturday morning, and I find myself pinned to the floor with my little brother Salem sitting on top of me.

“Say it. Say I’m the king.” He looks me square in the eyes and smiles.

“No! You’re not the king. You’re a fat-faced doo-doo head who couldn’t catch a mouse if he had opposable thumbs,” I sputter in defiance. I find it is important not to lose my dignity in these kinds of situations.

In a bold and classic sibling move, he grabs my tail and holds it, flicking and twitching, to my face. “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” he mocks.

“AAhhhh! Stop that!” He finally releases his grip, and I wiggle out from under him. With one swipe of my paw, I slap his stupid face and flee to my human’s room where I know I will have protection.

Later that day, Salem mysteriously finds his favorite stick toy floating in the toilet. I sit and watch from my human’s bed in delight as he fishes it out. Well played, Suki. Well played, I tell myself.

It is only later, as I start to take a nap, I pause and wonder if it is wise to close my eyes right now?

I’m On The Move

My humans are in the middle of moving to another state this week so I am currently staying at a hotel.

Hotels suck.

Apparently, there are two classes of hotels. There are regular hotels with their clean crisp sheets and fancy doors that lock, and then there are hotels that allow pets.

Yes, mine is the one with sketchy alley cats hanging out in the parking lot peddling catnip and questionable Frooskie’s treats out of the back of their carriers. I attempted to hide under the bed when strange noises began emanating from the other side of the wall but a mean butterfly had already claimed that spot.

My little brother Salem acted all tough at first, like he was some kind of badass feral and in his element, but the first time a cat with matted fur and missing teeth approached him asking for some tuna, he ran and hid in the bathroom. A bathroom, by the way, I could swear had the chalk outline of a terrier on its floor.

It’s scary as crap. Rumors are flying around that the only food available on the streets is dry and off-brand. Consequently, I’m doing everything I can not to get shut out of the room accidentally.

If you don’t hear from me again, there’s a good chance I’ve met my demise and some rabid little Shih Tzu is picking bits of me out of his teeth.