Breakfast in Bed

Smelling food, I instinctively walk into the kitchen. One of the little humans is cooking. Umm, smells good.

I stop dead in my tracks. Glancing around I spot my sister Sasha and my little brother Salem nearby, “Hide!” I shout.

Once we are safely hidden, Salem turns to me, “Why are we hiding?”

In between pants, I reply, “One of the little humans is flipping pancakes with our litter box scoop.”

A grin spreads across Salem’s face, “But that isn’t our fault.”

“I know, but our human is almost done eating. Do you want to be around when she finds out?”

I Bet

Salem: “I bet I can jump on that countertop.”

Me: “I bet I can jump on that cabinet.”

Salem: “I bet I can jump on top of the cabinet.”

Two seconds later I am standing in a puddle of water, broken dishes and scattered utensils. I look around at the mess and scratch my head. “I bet I can jump on top of the refrigerator.”

My Crappy Day

My little brother, Salem, and I end up at the Vet’s office today for our annual checkup. I’m healthy as can be, but whatever.

We are both sitting in our carrier and the prettiest tabby you ever laid eyes on walks up to us. Her hair is spun of gold I tell you, pure gold.

I can’t think of anything to say to her. Finally, I get so nervous my body starts to vibrate and before I can stop myself, “Purrrrrrrrrr.”

Oh my God! Did I just flipping purr out loud? Tabby’s eyes wrinkle up and she turns toward Salem, “Do you come here often?”

He just smiles and winks at her and they start chatting it up. Asshole.

They spend the next thirty minutes chatting while I hide in the back of the carrier.

This place blows.

Nothing Is Free Anymore

I walk into the living room and see a small pile of treats sitting by the window sil. “Well, well, what do we have here?” There’s a note. “Merry Christmas, Salem. Love Shorthair.”

I sniff the treats a couple of times. They don’t smell like tuna, but who am I to argue with free treats? Two bites later and they’re gone. I turn and see Salem walking towards me.

“What. Are. You. Doing?”

“Nothing,” I mumble.

My lie unravels quickly as crumbs fall from my mouth. Salem’s eyes turn into tiny little slits.

I gulp, “Okay, okay. You caught me. I was eating some treats I found by the window.” I slowly move to the left and cover the note with my butt.

“Oh. Next time, share,” he points a paw at me and walks away. That went oddly well.

An hour later my stomach isn’t feeling so good and I begin to yak like nobody’s business. I throw up everywhere. I can’t stop. I swear, a marble I ate as a kitten came back up. My tummy finally starts to settle down and out of the corner of my eye I see Salem laughing.

As the realization of what happened hits me, I lie down, too weak to chase him. Revenge will just have to wait. “Well played, little brother. Well played.”

You're Closer

I look around and see our new Christmas toys strewn all over the house. If our human steps on one, she’s going to be mad.

“Salem, can you pick up those toys by the door?”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I would if it weren’t for my paws.”

“What’s wrong with your paws?”

“They aren’t as close to the door as your’s.”