Driving Lessons

One of the Teenagers in our house is begging our human to teach her to drive today, so Salem and I sit and listen. It promises to be entertaining.

“Please, Mom, Dad will just yell at me the whole time. He has no patience.”

“Okay, but the minute my hair starts falling out, it’s over. You have to let your Dad teach you.”

As they settle into the car, Teenager eagerly puts the keys in the ignition.

“Whoa, there. What do you think you’re doing?”

“Starting the car?”

“Not so fast, missy. Are you trying to get us killed? First things, first.” Our human points in front of her, “Now, this is the glove compartment. Know it well. It will contain all your essentials: An emergency twenty dollar bill if you ever find yourself broken down in the middle of nowhere and needing a taxi, an emergency cell phone charger in case you find yourself stranded and your phone is dead, a first aid kit in case of a minor accident, a map to the nearest hospital in case of a major accident and you can’t find your phone, a list of emergency phone numbers in case you need AAA, the insurance company, or a tow truck, and a small screwdriver, a hammer in case you need to break the window to get out of a smashed-in door, a knife in case you have to cut yourself out of your seatbelt after an accident, and a can of mace in case a lunatic approaches you while you are broken down on the side of the road, and you have to defend yourself.”

Teenager opens the door and starts to get out of the car. Our human looks at her, “What are you doing?”

“If you think I’m driving this death trap now, you’re crazy.”

Human Naiveté

After leaving the vet’s office, our human drove one teenager to work, one to the library, and then went to the post office, the UPS Store, and Lowes. Then she put her grocery list back into her purse, saying, “This will just have to wait another day.”

Our other teenager looked at the dashboard and said, “I can’t wait to get my driver’s license.”

Tired, our human sighed, “Really, why?”

“Oh man, just to have independence.” He smiled and said wistfully, “You know, that feeling of being free.”

I glanced at my human. Then we laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

The Heart of Darkness in Sharing a Bathroom

I stumble out of the litterbox gasping for air and exclaiming, “The horror. The horror.”

Salem gives me the stink eye.

“I need my own litterbox. We can’t share anymore. It’s killing me.”

“What are you talking about? I’m a delight to share with. I cover at least half of the time and I rarely kick out more than two or three clumps a week.”

“Are you kidding me? Every time I have to go in, it’s like a death march. And let’s not even talk about the odors emanating from there.”

“Well, there’s your mistake: You’re not supposed to breathe while you go.” Salem shakes his head, “Amateur.”

“I’m not going to be able to erase the images from my mind. I think I need a sedative.” I rub my eyes and glance around, “Where’s the nearest sunbeam?”

“Don’t be such a baby.” He waves a paw at me and burps.

“Ugh, what have you been eating?”

“I don’t know. I found it on teenager’s floor.”

“Well, now I know why the humans have been wearing masks lately.” I hold my nose and leave in search of a sunbeam. Only rest can save me now.

As Suki’s World Turns

I’m relaxing on my pillow when Salem races into the room yelling, “HIDE!”, like his tail is on fire.

I glance around and ask, “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Teenager just walked in wearing something called fishnets, which sounded cool at first, I mean fish, but when I saw her,” he drops his head, “well, it wasn’t good. When our human sees it, bad things are going happen.”

“I’m sure it isn’t that bad.” I wave my paw, but as soon as I get the words out of my mouth, I hear Teenager yelling.

“You bought me this top!”

Our human yells back, “I bought it for your American Girl doll, not you! And that was three years ago!!! How on earth did you even get it over your head?”

“I’m not a little girl anymore and I’m not going to dress like one!”

“Oh, really? Then whose teddy bear is that sitting on your bed? And who was it exactly that got into a fight yesterday with their little brother over who had more Cap’n Crunch cereal in their bowl?”

“Snookums Bear is just part of my décor,” Teenager stomps her foot, “and you know Michael always eats the good cereal before I can get any!”

Salem looks at me and points a paw, “She is an adult you know.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She wrote it in crayon, right there on her door.”

He grins, “Let’s listen from under the bed.”

I nod, “I’ll grab the kibble.”

Human Watching Part 2

Salem and I watch as one teenager puts her donut down with one hand and grasps her cell phone with the other, in between sobs.

The second teenager panics, “Oh my God, did something happen? Was Mom in an accident?”

Salem looks at me, “This is getting good.” I nod.

She takes a deep breath, “It’s Noah.” She clutches her phone, “He sent me a wink face emoji. So, then I sent him a vomit emoji by mistake,” she gasps. “Then I tried to fix it and I sent him a kissy face emoji and a potato emoji by accident.” She continues sobbing, “Then I panicked and sent him a cow, a carrot, and a baby!”

Both teenagers scream in unison.

“Okay, hand over the phone.” The second teen reaches out and pries the phone out of her hand. “Don’t worry, we can fix this. It’s going to be okay. ” She starts texting, “We’ll just tell him that Suki stepped on the phone, accidentally sending garble.”

Kibble falls out of my mouth as I stare in disbelief. “You just can’t trust humans,” I shake my head. “I wonder which emoji means, ‘I just peed on your shoe’?”

Human Watching Part 1

Sometimes, when my little brother Salem and I are bored, we like to sit and watch the smaller humans. It can be quite entertaining. Today, the two teenagers seem to be acting out a scene from daytime television.

Salem walks up to me and asks, “Teenager is crying? Was that Savannah girl being mean to her again at school? I don’t know why they are friends with her,” he shakes his head.

“No, they ousted her last week for wearing glitter lipstick. Keep up, will ya?”

We both watch intently. One teenager is sobbing uncontrollably when the other one walks up.

Her eyes widen as she approaches, “What. Are. You. Doing?” She holds her hands up in a halting motion, “Okay, calm down. Nothing is worth this.” She talks slower, “Put .. the.. donut.. down.”

Salem and I settle in. I hold out my paw, “Pass the Kibble.”

Yes, these are the days of our lives. Will the teenager drown her sorrows in a box of Krispy Kremes? Will they be friends with the cosmetically unfashionable Savannah, ever again? Will Salem pass the Kibble? All these questions and more will be answered next time on The World According To Suki.

To Be Continued…..

Driving Lessons

The front door slams shut with a loud bang. Salem and I watch as our human stomps in with Teenager following.

“Are you insane?! You could have killed us!”

“For the last time, I thought that was the brakes! You don’t even like the neighbors anyway. Get over it!”

Salem takes a step back, “What is happening to our human?”

“Oh,” I wave my paw, “she’s just teaching Teenager how to drive.”

“Geez, do you think she learned?”

“I doubt it. They never got out of the driveway.”