Two of the little humans in our household were recently inspired by a movie. In the scene, a man and woman are seen rolling around while tossing $100 bills into the air. “Raining money”, they called it.
Our little humans felt they could do better. One laid down on the floor while the other one ran to get the money. Seconds later, screams and shouts were heard as one poured a jar containing $78.32 in coins on top of the other one.
Salem and I laughed so hard our Kibble almost came back up. We heard there’s another movie called 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, so we’re pretty pumped!
I notice my little brother Salem with a large pile of twigs and sticks lying in front of him and ask, “What are you doing with those?”
“I’m going to throw them at that cute calico down the street.”
“And why on earth would you do that?”
“Because, when the little human did a cartwheel in front of Tommy at recess, she said he was pelting her with straws by lunchtime. And apparently, that means he really, really likes her, much more than Jenny because he only threw a spitball at her.” He places another stick down, “It’s foolproof.”
I scratch my head, “That sounds about right,” then I bitch slap him as hard as I can. As I’m fleeing for my life, I yell, “That just means I love you the most!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!”
My little brother Salem has been sleeping on the floor for the last hour when he wakes up and glances around confused, “Where’d my sunbeam go?”
I smile, “Oh, I turned it off. Sorry.”
He cuts his eyes at me, “Well turn it back on.”
He stands up and says a bit louder, “I said, ‘turn it back on’.”
“I said, ‘No’.”
Salem crouches down, preparing to lunge, “Turn. It. On!”
I race away screaming, “Noooooooooooooo!”
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I blink hard as a tennis ball sails past my head. I quickly glance around. I see Sasha’s ears sticking up from the back of the box she is cowering behind, then I hear the whoosh of another ball as it whizzes by me and I dart behind the sofa.
I peer around. Jodie. Crap. I hate that kid. Jody is the neighbor kid who comes over from time to time to visit one of our little humans. We hate her.
She often finds sick amusement in pelting us with various objects and watching us scatter.
I scan the room. I see Salem’s tail sticking out from the curtains. He sucks at Hide ‘n Seek. “Psst, Salem.”
“How do you know I’m Salem? I could be some other cat.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay. Hey, cat, behind the curtains.”
“Can you cover me for a minute?” I point a paw at the pink shoes by the front door.
Salem looks at the shoes and grins. “Yeah!” He slowly walks out from behind the curtains and instantly endures a barrage of balls to the head and body. I race to the door and do my deed and run back for cover behind the couch. Salem slinks back as well, his fur sticking up here and there.
Our little human calls Jody to her bedroom and we all flee to our human’s room and hide under her bed. It is there that we feel safe and begin to revel in our deed.
Later we high paw each other and guffaw at the sound of her cursing as she slams the front door. Salem looks at me, “Number 1 or number 2?”
Yesterday, I observed one of the small humans refusing to eat something called a “leftover”. It seemed frighteningly inedible. First, he poked it with his finger. Then he leaned down and gave it one good sniff. His body shivered and he slowly backed away. I glanced at the food and back to the human, but he had already escaped. I didn’t take any chances and fled as well.
Later, when I spied the same food in Salem’s dish, I knew what I had to do:
I promptly put stickers with my name on it, on his cat bed, toy snake, and scratching post. #NotWarningYourAss #TakingYourStuff #RIP
Among us felines, my brother Salem boasts the most sneak attacks in our house. He actually prides himself on his ability to lunge at unsuspecting passers-by with the speed of a Cheetah.
I remember one day in particular, when he was strutting through the living room after an exceptionally excessive bout of bragging, and I pounced out from behind the sofa, bitch-slapped him across the face, and ran like hell into the other room in one swift drive-by, before anyone could blink.
I believe one of the smaller humans witnessed this feat as it was talked about among them for years afterward. Who’s bragging now? #ME #BitchSlappedThatBitch #FelineDriveBy
My human has a toy sitting in the kitchen that’s been taunting me quite a bit lately. It’s been sitting there, on the counter top, in the corner since we moved here in 2011. Every time I get close enough to it to investigate, my human shoos me away.
But she’s not here today…
She’s out of the house doing something called, “suffering through another damn pool party where I’m just going to wrinkle.” This is my chance. So, I jump onto the counter. I sniff it. Nothing. I touch it. It’s a little heavier than it looks. Must be something super cool though if they don’t want anyone else to play with it. It’s thinner on top than on bottom. I don’t have a toy this big. Yet. It’s label says it’s a “Gallo”.
I wonder what it does. I bet it bounces and rolls like a bitch! I push it a little.
Okay, my bad. It doesn’t bounce. Shit. There’s red stuff everywhere now. I have to go.
The small human known as “Don’t Touch That” recently had a birthday. I would say I remember him fondly as a child, but I can’t. He and I haven’t been on speaking terms for years. Oh, I remember that human well. We briefly engaged in what is now known as the War of 2016.
How it started, I am uncertain. Who really remembers how these things go, but as I recall, he sat on me once when I was a kitten. I retaliated with a hair ball in his bed. It was a bold move, I admit, but I didn’t start this war, he did.
He pulled my whiskers, hid my treats, and called me “Bowser”. I scratched his shoes, hid his socks, and barfed on his coat. I’m not going to lie, those were some hard days. I spent my afternoons hiding behind chairs and curtains and under the bed. I even skipped a meal once when I spied him suspiciously lurking around the food dish.
The last straw was when he put little pieces of tape on the bottoms of my paws. He laughed and I vowed revenge. The next day, he awoke to a nice urine soaked pillow. Screams were heard and normally unspeakable things were spoken. I, of course, had to lay low after that, but yes, the war was over and I had won. No one calls me “Bowser” now.
Don’t eat the roses, they don’t taste too good today. Well, one of my little humans came home and was talking about winning a pie contest at school. He seemed pretty proud of himself, too. Well, I looked all over and I couldn’t find a pie anywhere. I think he was just teasing me. So I ate my big human’s roses she put out instead. I nibbled here and there but later, my tummy hurt and I threw up everywhere. I think it was all the mention of pie that did me in.
Two of the smaller humans are gone most of the time. They go to this amazing place called “Middle School”. According to the littlest human, “Middle School” is inhabited by all kinds of fascinating creatures. She has a teacher called “Troll” and there is a place called “P.E.” where monsters live. It sounded frightful. Apparently it is filled with torture devices and “mean girls”. I was saving this bug I caught last week for a special occasion, but I think I’ll put it in her shoe to cheer her up. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she finds it. She’s so lucky to have me around.
My human is a writer. She’s pretty great most of the time. She tells me the funniest stories and I like the way she scratches my chin, but she can be pretty gross, too. I mean, I never see her lick herself clean before she handles my food, and who knows where her paws have been.
She also doesn’t always say ‘thank you’ when she should. I fluffed up two sweaters for her today and nothing. Nada. Zip. It wasn’t easy getting all those strands of yarn to stick out, but I did. You’re welcome.
My human has five smaller humans living in our house, too. They come in assorted sizes and smells. I think their names are “Don’t Touch That”, “Don’t Eat That”, “Put That Back”, “What’s That Smell”, and “Go Ask Dad”. I usually try to avoid them, but sometimes they have food.
I have a sister named Sasha and a little brother named Salem. He’s your typical little brother. He takes my food when I’m not looking and he tries to take my spot on the bed. When he gets too annoying I like to get even. I usually just take a bite of my human’s food and leave it by his dish. It drives her crazy and she ends up putting him in the garage for the night. Hee, hee.