Tales From Kittenhood

Salem and I were still young when it happened. Salem was only a few months old, and I was almost 2. Our humans had just brought a second little human home. It came with screams, and cries, and unimaginable odors.

One morning, the first little human, what they called a toddler, was running around the room and throwing things when I heard the sound of glass breaking. I turned to look, and it was actually Salem that had broken something. I shook my head in shame. Kittens, they’re the worst.

The older male human shuffled in, his eyes dark, and his face grim. He looked around at the little human and then at Salem and me and said to our other human, “One of them has got to go. It’s just too much right now.”

I lowered my head and reached for my luggage.

Salem pounced over. “What are you doing?”

“You heard the man. Someone’s got to go.” I turned and did the most prudent thing I could. I began packing all of the toddler’s toys into the suitcase.

Timing is Everything

My little brother Salem trots up to me and asks, “Do you think now is a good time to tell our human what we want for Christmas?”

I look him in the eyes and say, “No, I would wait.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“Well, Teenager just went up to her and told her that if she didn’t get her own car for Christmas, she was just going to die.”

“So?”

“So, our human is busy planning the funeral.”

Mothers and Daughters

Our human looks at Teenager and asks, “Why are you dressed like that?”

“What do you mean? I’m just wearing jeans and a sweater.”

“That’s my point. Your skin is all covered up.”

Teenager brushes her off, “Ha, ha. You’re so funny.”

Looking confused, our human stammers, “Is your room clean?”

“Yes, I cleaned it this morning.”

“Then go do your homework. You must be way behind.”

“I’m not, but you’re right, I guess I could start studying for mid-terms early.”

As Teenager leaves the room, our human says, “I have no idea what she’s mad about, but this is going to stop right now!”

Dinner With My Humans

After putting the food on the table, our human yells out, “Dinner!”

Ten minutes later, she yells again, “Dinner is ready.”

Another ten minutes goes by before Teenager saunters to the table and slowly reclines in his chair.

Our human scowls, “You were only in the next room. What took you so long?”

“I had to tell Dad I won my track meet today.”

“Oh, yeah? What event?”

“The hundred-yard dash.”

The Black Plague for Teenagers

Salem and I were bored, so we decided to eavesdrop on our humans.

“Ok, Mom, this old phone is just too embarrassing. I need a new one.”

“Oh, you’re exaggerating.”

Teenager waves her phone in the air, “I had to hide behind the auditorium just to make a phone call after school.”

Our human waves her off, “Minor inconvenience.”

“I was surrounded by kids who were smoking, and not just cigarettes. One girl had piercings all over her face, and she was practically having sex with something covered in tattoos.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Mom. When I pulled out my flip phone, they all backed away from me.”

Is That Sass I Hear?

Salem walks up to me and asks, “What’s wrong with the little human? I just heard her yelling in her room.”

“She has something called ‘sassiness’.”

“That sounds terrible.”

I nod, “Apparently, it’s been going around. I think it affects her fingers because she’s not allowed to use her phone until it’s gone.”

Salem holds his paws up, “I hope I don’t get it. I need my paws to eat.”

Advice to a Kitten

I’ve decided to mentor a new kitten in the neighborhood. I figure I could share a little of my wisdom. He’s just a rookie in the world of humans so, I’m helping him out.

“Now Kitten, you don’t ever want to fall asleep with your mouth exposed. Try to always tuck your face in and cover it with your paws.”

He looks up at me with wide eyes, “Why?”

I shake my head. His innocence is adorable. “Because the humans have some kind of monster that steals your teeth while you sleep. They say that he sells them on the black market and leaves your cut under the pillow. They call him,” I lean down and whisper, “The Tooth Fairy.”

Driving Lessons

One of the Teenagers in our house is begging our human to teach her to drive today, so Salem and I sit and listen. It promises to be entertaining.

“Please, Mom, Dad will just yell at me the whole time. He has no patience.”

“Okay, but the minute my hair starts falling out, it’s over. You have to let your Dad teach you.”

As they settle into the car, Teenager eagerly puts the keys in the ignition.

“Whoa, there. What do you think you’re doing?”

“Starting the car?”

“Not so fast, missy. Are you trying to get us killed? First things, first.” Our human points in front of her, “Now, this is the glove compartment. Know it well. It will contain all your essentials: An emergency twenty dollar bill if you ever find yourself broken down in the middle of nowhere and needing a taxi, an emergency cell phone charger in case you find yourself stranded and your phone is dead, a first aid kit in case of a minor accident, a map to the nearest hospital in case of a major accident and you can’t find your phone, a list of emergency phone numbers in case you need AAA, the insurance company, or a tow truck, and a small screwdriver, a hammer in case you need to break the window to get out of a smashed-in door, a knife in case you have to cut yourself out of your seatbelt after an accident, and a can of mace in case a lunatic approaches you while you are broken down on the side of the road, and you have to defend yourself.”

Teenager opens the door and starts to get out of the car. Our human looks at her, “What are you doing?”

“If you think I’m driving this death trap now, you’re crazy.”

Boredom and Brothers

I’m lounging in the sunroom when boredom sets in. I glance around and see my little brother Salem playing with his stick toy, so I let out a very soft rumble.

Salem’s eyes dart in my direction, so I stare straight ahead as though I don’t notice him. Then, I let out another faint purr.

Salem’s head swivels toward me, “Stop that!”

“Stop what?” I ask.

“Stop purring. You’re doing it just to annoy me.”

I blink my eyes, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not making a sound.”

Salem looks at our sister Sasha, “Do you hear that?”

“What?” she says.

“Suki’s purring so only I can hear it, just to annoy me. Look, you can see the fur on his chest vibrating!”

Sasha stares at us both for a minute, shakes her head, and walks away, “Sorry, but I don’t hear anything.”

I smile at Salem…and purr.

A second later finds me sprinting through the house, tail puffed, and Salem following close behind. It ends with me hiding under the sofa and Salem sitting next to it making sure I can’t leave. So I lay down…….

and purr.

Suki’s Thoughts on Marriage

Salem and I are watching our humans bicker. It happens from time to time. It’s usually about whose turn it is to fill the sugar container or make the coffee. You know, important stuff like that.

Salem paws me, “You know they have a big anniversary coming up, right?”

I watch my human clip her toenails on the sofa while my other human watches a rapid succession of war flicks and wonder, “Why do you think they’ve stayed together all these years?”

“I can’t say for sure, but I think she’s waiting him out just to get in the last word.”

The Heart of Darkness in Sharing a Bathroom

I stumble out of the litterbox gasping for air and exclaiming, “The horror. The horror.”

Salem gives me the stink eye.

“I need my own litterbox. We can’t share anymore. It’s killing me.”

“What are you talking about? I’m a delight to share with. I cover at least half of the time and I rarely kick out more than two or three clumps a week.”

“Are you kidding me? Every time I have to go in, it’s like a death march. And let’s not even talk about the odors emanating from there.”

“Well, there’s your mistake: You’re not supposed to breathe while you go.” Salem shakes his head, “Amateur.”

“I’m not going to be able to erase the images from my mind. I think I need a sedative.” I rub my eyes and glance around, “Where’s the nearest sunbeam?”

“Don’t be such a baby.” He waves a paw at me and burps.

“Ugh, what have you been eating?”

“I don’t know. I found it on teenager’s floor.”

“Well, now I know why the humans have been wearing masks lately.” I hold my nose and leave in search of a sunbeam. Only rest can save me now.

Ah, Sweet Revenge

When I woke from my nap yesterday, Salem was sitting on my chest and holding my tail to my face and saying, “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”

So, I decided to get my revenge today.

Right before bedtime, when Salem was at his most exhausted, I looked at him and slowly shook my head. Then I whispered, “The vet called about you today. They are calling back tomorrow to discuss it in more detail.”

Sleep on that, tail boy!

Being Five Again

When my brother, Salem, pushes my buttons, I immediately revert back into my five-year-old self. Sensing that this same phenomenon must be happening to him, I decide to use it to my advantage.

Salem has a third date with Tabby today. A third! It kind of annoys me. So when she comes over to see him, I say “Hi” in my most mature and polite voice.

Salem struts up and throws out a, “Hey,” all casual like, as though he had no previous plans with her, and this is all spur of the moment. I cringe inside. So, while they are talking, I stick my paw out and just ever so slightly touch him.

He cuts his eyes at me but continues his conversation unfazed. A second later, I slowly extend my paw and just barely graze his fur with the tip of my claw. His lips tighten, and he throws me another warning look. You know, the one that says, “I will tear your head off if you do it again.”

So, I do it again.

This time he loses it. A minute later, he’s sitting on my chest and holding my bottom paws to my nose and sneering, “Smell it! Smell those dirty paws!” I smile.

Then I glance over at Tabby, who is standing there, eyes bulging and mouth hanging open at the sight of her date: five-year-old Salem. That’s when I know my work here is done.

God, I love being a sibling.

Salem’s Big Move

My little brother Salem has a date with the Tabby down the street today. He’s been bragging about it all week.

When she arrived at the door, I waited close by to see him in action. He was smooth, I must admit. He managed to stand in a way that oddly highlighted his flexed muscles. I bent over to try it myself and pulled a hamstring.

He complimented her fur and whiskers. She giggled. Really?

He leaned in to sniff her, and instead, let out a loud and thunderous burp, right in her face. I pulled another hamstring, laughing.

It was the highlight of my week. The best part is, I now have a story to tell at every gathering EVER until I die. I began imagining all the people I would tell this to and the reactions I would get. I would suddenly become the life of the party. I could milk this story for years. I might even manage a date or two myself out of it.

The next time Salem teases me about my little pudge, I’ll say, “Oh yeah, well, at least I didn’t burp in my date’s face!” Take that. Or when he beats me at Catopoly, I will add, “Maybe I should just burp on you!” Burn.

Oh, the possibilities are endless. What I’ve learned from all this is that the phrase “This too shall pass” doesn’t apply to family.

You Have To Love Brothers

I’m in the living room with my little brother Salem when I see the Maine Coon from next door walking up to the window. I mention this to Salem, and he frantically starts looking around for a place to hide.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t go out with her again! She’s nuts. Just go along with me, okay?”

The Maine Coon walks up, and Salem flops to the floor and closes his eyes.

So, of course, I invite her inside. I throw a paw toward Salem, “He’s not feeling very well.” She looks over and frowns.

Then, being the good big brother that I am, I bend over and wipe his nose with a tissue, “I think it’s time for somebody’s suppository.”

Driving Lessons

The front door slams shut with a loud bang. Salem and I watch as our human stomps in with Teenager following.

“Are you insane?! You could have killed us!”

“For the last time, I thought that was the brakes! You don’t even like the neighbors anyway. Get over it!”

Salem takes a step back, “What is happening to our human?”

“Oh,” I wave my paw, “she’s just teaching Teenager how to drive.”

“Geez, do you think she learned?”

“I doubt it. They never got out of the driveway.”