Breakfast in Bed

Smelling food, I instinctively walk into the kitchen. One of the little humans is cooking. Umm, smells good.

I stop dead in my tracks. Glancing around I spot my sister Sasha and my little brother Salem nearby, “Hide!” I shout.

Once we are safely hidden, Salem turns to me, “Why are we hiding?”

In between pants, I reply, “One of the little humans is flipping pancakes with our litter box scoop.”

A grin spreads across Salem’s face, “But that isn’t our fault.”

“I know, but our human is almost done eating. Do you want to be around when she finds out?”

I Bet

Salem: “I bet I can jump on that countertop.”

Me: “I bet I can jump on that cabinet.”

Salem: “I bet I can jump on top of the cabinet.”

Two seconds later I am standing in a puddle of water, broken dishes and scattered utensils. I look around at the mess and scratch my head. “I bet I can jump on top of the refrigerator.”

Nothing Is Free Anymore

I walk into the living room and see a small pile of treats sitting by the window sil. “Well, well, what do we have here?” There’s a note. “Merry Christmas, Salem. Love Shorthair.”

I sniff the treats a couple of times. They don’t smell like tuna, but who am I to argue with free treats? Two bites later and they’re gone. I turn and see Salem walking towards me.

“What. Are. You. Doing?”

“Nothing,” I mumble.

My lie unravels quickly as crumbs fall from my mouth. Salem’s eyes turn into tiny little slits.

I gulp, “Okay, okay. You caught me. I was eating some treats I found by the window.” I slowly move to the left and cover the note with my butt.

“Oh. Next time, share,” he points a paw at me and walks away. That went oddly well.

An hour later my stomach isn’t feeling so good and I begin to yak like nobody’s business. I throw up everywhere. I can’t stop. I swear, a marble I ate as a kitten came back up. My tummy finally starts to settle down and out of the corner of my eye I see Salem laughing.

As the realization of what happened hits me, I lie down, too weak to chase him. Revenge will just have to wait. “Well played, little brother. Well played.”

You're Closer

I look around and see our new Christmas toys strewn all over the house. If our human steps on one, she’s going to be mad.

“Salem, can you pick up those toys by the door?”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I would if it weren’t for my paws.”

“What’s wrong with your paws?”

“They aren’t as close to the door as your’s.”

The Christmas Gift

Oh, how I have been racking my brain for the perfect gift for my human. No mere piece of string or half-eaten spider will do. I need something spectacular. Something that will insure my goodwill would not go unrewarded.

First, I start out with simple good deeds for her to observe: I bypass the pretty and enticing red flowers on the countertop, making sure she takes notice that I do not chew on them this time. Then, I carefully lick the floor clean of all my Meow Mix before exiting dinnertime, and for the piece de resistance, when she walks into her bedroom, I move my tail ever so much so that she, too, can sit on the bed. But my actions go unnoticed. Undetected. My sacrifices ignored.

There is no doubt about it. A grand gesture will be required. An offering to top all offerings. My mind quickly begins inventorying all of my feline possessions: 1 pouch of catnip safely hidden under my bed, 4 shiny marbles, 3 chewed milk rings, 2 pieces of string, and one very well loved Meow Mix mouse.

There really is only one choice. Oh, how she is going to love on me Christmas morning. As the magnificence of my gift settles on my mind, I almost can’t believe my own generosity. Ah, this will be a Christmas she will never forget.


#FelineAA #RidingTheNip

My brother Salem has been riding the catnip wave all day. His eyes are glazed over and he can’t even stand up right now. It’s humiliating. What if the Tabby next door comes by? Shit, I can’t have my little brother embarrassing me like this.

I decide to talk to him. “Salem, you can’t keep doing the “nip”. That shit will mess you up, man. You’re flopping around like a lunatic. Your mews are incoherent. You look like you haven’t licked your fur in days. It’s getting bad.”

He just rolls around rubbing his face against anything that moves. #HighAsAKite #CatNipJunkie Damn, I hope Tabby doesn’t come by when he’s like this. She’ll tell everyone. It’ll be all over the neighborhood. That bleeping Siamese down the street is blabbermouth. Crap, I got a rep to protect. I have to go find his stash and hide it. Freaking little brothers…