Photo of the adorable Beth on loan by her human Angie Elliott

I walk into the bedroom and Salem is standing in front of the mirror talking to himself.

“What. Are you doing?” I have to ask.

“I’m practicing my act. I want to be on Caturday Night Live one day.” He puffs out his tail a little.

I chuckle. “You want to be a Toonces? Man, I’ve met Toonces, and you ain’t no Toonces.” I shake my head at the magnitude of his delusions.

“No, I want to be like Will Feral or Jerry Strayfeld and do stand-up comedy.”

“Ummmm….okay. Show me what you got.” This ought to be good.

He slicks his whiskers back, stands up straight and holds a stick toy in his paws like it’s a microphone.

“What’s the deal with dogs? Am I right? I see these dogs all over the internet letting their humans put all kinds of shit on their heads just to get a treat. Now, that’s messed up. We cats don’t perform for our food. If we want to get a treat, we get right in our human’s face and tell them to GIVE ME A DAMN TREAT! Sometimes we even have to sit on their heads to get them to do it, but you can bet they do it. Damn dogs are trying to ruin it for everyone.”

I stare at him blankly, blink a few times and walk away. #ITryNotToEncourageThisKindOfBehavior #YouAin’tNoJerryStrayfeldEither