New Year’s Resolution

Salem looks at me and asks, “Why so glum?”

“I’m having trouble thinking of a New Year’s resolution.”

“How about cutting back on tuna?”

“Whoa, there’s no reason to be mean.”

“How about you resolve to be more loving toward your little brother here, good ole Salem?”

I put my paw to my belly, “Stop, you’re killing me!”

I stop laughing and pat Salem on the back. “Thanks, buddy. That’s a good idea. I will resolve to laugh more in the New Year.”

Salem and I would like to wish everyone a healthy and safe New Year filled with laughter.

I Think My Humans are Talking About Me

Our male human looks at our other human, “Why are you feeding Suki so early? Dinnertime isn’t for another hour?”

“I know, but he won’t stop meowing, and the guilt is killing me.”

An hour later…

“Honey, Suki is asleep on my feet. Can you hand me that remote?”

And later still…

The male human narrows his eyes and asks, “Why are you sitting in that weird position? It doesn’t look comfortable at all.”

“It’s not, but Suki is still curled up on me, and I don’t want to disturb him.”

“Dear, I hate to say it, but I’m pretty sure you’re his bitch.”

My Life These Days

Salem: “Did you tear my stuffed mouse?”

Me: I point to the elf

Our human: “Who snagged my new sweater?”

Me: I glance up at the elf.

Me: “Salem, I heard that elf wants you to leave out some tuna for him tonight.”

Salem: “And what if I don’t?”

Me: “Then he tells Santa, and you won’t get a present this year.”

Salem: “Do you think he likes Chunk Light or Albacore?”

Salem: “Why is that elf always up high, out of my reach?”

Me: “He thinks you have Covid, so he’s keeping six feet away.”

Me: “Sorry Salem, Santa said I get your treats this year.”

Salem: “What?! Why? What did I do?”

Me: “Santa asked who puked on that chair over there, and that elf picked you out of a line-up. Tough break.”

Timing is Everything

My little brother Salem trots up to me and asks, “Do you think now is a good time to tell our human what we want for Christmas?”

I look him in the eyes and say, “No, I would wait.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“Well, Teenager just went up to her and told her that if she didn’t get her own car for Christmas, she was just going to die.”

“So?”

“So, our human is busy planning the funeral.”

Wink, Wink

I’m sitting in the yard when I see the cute Tabby from next door walk by. I quickly make a snowball and toss it at her.

“Suki! You flea-ridden, mangy cat. I’ll get you.” She picks up a snowball and chunks it right at my head.

I flick my paw in her direction and yell, “You wish your fur looked this good, you dog-breath stray!”

Salem stares at me and gasps, “What are you doing?”

I look at him and shrug, “Flirting.”

It’s a Test

Salem scurries up to me, “Hey, Suki. There’s a cool tree in the house to climb on. Come on.”

I nod my head slowly, “Ah, the test has begun.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, this time every year the humans bring a tree into the house, and we aren’t allowed to climb on it. It’s a test.”

He stares at me, “Really?”

“Yep. Then they dangle shiny objects on strings on the tree, and you can’t touch those either. If you make it a whole month without doing it, a guy named Santa breaks into the house one night and leaves you a present. If you don’t pass the test, you get nothing.”

“That seems mean.”

“Well, that’s the rules.”

He crouches down, assuming a lunge position, “Okay. I call dibs on the first branch.”

I hold up my paw, “Weren’t you listening? We won’t get a present if we don’t pass.”

He grins. “I figured those rules don’t apply once it’s been peed on.”

Dinner With My Humans

After putting the food on the table, our human yells out, “Dinner!”

Ten minutes later, she yells again, “Dinner is ready.”

Another ten minutes goes by before Teenager saunters to the table and slowly reclines in his chair.

Our human scowls, “You were only in the next room. What took you so long?”

“I had to tell Dad I won my track meet today.”

“Oh, yeah? What event?”

“The hundred-yard dash.”

The Black Plague for Teenagers

Salem and I were bored, so we decided to eavesdrop on our humans.

“Ok, Mom, this old phone is just too embarrassing. I need a new one.”

“Oh, you’re exaggerating.”

Teenager waves her phone in the air, “I had to hide behind the auditorium just to make a phone call after school.”

Our human waves her off, “Minor inconvenience.”

“I was surrounded by kids who were smoking, and not just cigarettes. One girl had piercings all over her face, and she was practically having sex with something covered in tattoos.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Mom. When I pulled out my flip phone, they all backed away from me.”

The Life of Cats

I’m packing up my stuffed mouse and some catnip when Salem walks up. “What are you doing? Are you going someplace?”

“I’m taking a vacation. I can’t take looking out that same window one more day. I need a change of scenery.”

“Where are you going to go?”

I stand up straight, grab my bag, and point, “Under that bed over there.”

The Exorcist

Salem and I race into the hall at the sound of our human screaming.

It’s Monday morning, and Teenager isn’t out of bed yet. We glance at the clock on the wall, “Yep, she’s going to miss the bus again.”

We watch in wonder as our human rapidly fires out words that we don’t even know the meaning of. Then, Teenager does something we know won’t end well; she rolls her eyes.

Salem turns his head, “I can’t watch.”

I look at my human and smile, “Wait, I’ve seen this movie. Any second now, her head is going to start spinning around.”

Oof

“Soon, our human will be taking the family Christmas photo.” I look down at my stuffed mouse. “I don’t think I want to be in it this year. She’s obsessed with making it look perfect.”

My little brother Salem looks at me, “Tell me about it. She made me wear that stupid Christmas tie last year.” He puffs out his chest, “But I did look smashing. Face it; the humans need us to make them look good.”

“Is that the photo?” I point a paw to the mantle.

“Yep,” he grins, “See, I’m right there in the front row, licking myself.”

Human Conversations

When I am bored enough, I listen to the conversations of my humans. This was today’s gem:

My human sets her coffee cup down and looks at my other human, “We never talk anymore.”

“Oh, that’s easy…”

She holds up her hand, “And not about soccer.”

“I’m drawing a blank then.”

“It’s gotten so bad, I’m starting to talk to the kids.”

He looks around the room, “These are all ours?”

“Yes, what did you think? They were buy one get four free?”

“I thought one of them was having a slumber party.”

“I’ll make you a deal: I’ll keep cooking your dinner if you can converse with me during it.”

“Fine. I will be happy to converse during any meal that isn’t served blackened.”

“So, Chelsea wants to buy back Eden Hazard, huh?”

Is That Sass I Hear?

Salem walks up to me and asks, “What’s wrong with the little human? I just heard her yelling in her room.”

“She has something called ‘sassiness’.”

“That sounds terrible.”

I nod, “Apparently, it’s been going around. I think it affects her fingers because she’s not allowed to use her phone until it’s gone.”

Salem holds his paws up, “I hope I don’t get it. I need my paws to eat.”

More is More

I just purchased several cases of very expensive low-fat tuna. I am stacking them all up when Salem comes into the room.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Oh, I’ve decided to go on a diet.” I touch my little tummy, “I want to lose a few pounds.”

He looks at the rows of cans stacked three feet high and says, “Couldn’t you just eat less?”

I shake my head, “Why do you hate me?”

Male Pride and the Great Migration Cover-up

Salem points a paw out the window, “Jack, a sparrow friend of mine will be flying south to Florida, soon.”

I wince, “Why Florida?”

He scratches his head, “I don’t know, really. He flies to Florida every winter for vacation.”

I stare at him, “How do we know he’s not trying to go to the Bahamas but is too proud to ask for directions?”

The Perils of Binge Watching

Salem looks at me and pulls at his whiskers, “My head hurts. I bet it’s a brain tumor.”

I eye him, “Have you been watching Cats of the ER again?”

“It’s educational. Besides, I’m pretty sure I have crus abscissione truncantur.”

I shake my head. “That means your leg is amputated.”

He looks down, “I thought my paws felt weird.”

“Well, let me be the first to diagnosis you. You’re an idiot.”

“You’ll be sorry one day when the vet verifies that I died of a rare medical condition that I predicted and you made fun of. I’ll bet you’ll be crying then!”

“I’ll take my chances. Just make sure you will all your treats and toys to me, okay?”

“Whatever, I have to go. Stray’s Anatomy is on and I want to watch it before delayed visual maturation blindness sets in.”

We’ll See…

I waltz into the living room and say to Salem, “Well, well, well. Guess who might be going out with that foxy little tabby next door?”

His eyes widen, “Certainly not you? How did you swing that?”

“I walked right up to her this morning and said, ‘Look, I always open the door for you, I lavish you with tuna and stuffed mice every holiday, I always compliment you on a new collar, and I own my own cat tree, which is at your disposal anytime you wish.’ Then I smiled real big and said, ‘I appreciate you for who you are, and not just for your looks. I have a great personality, I’m kind, and I’m funny. Now, wouldn’t you rather date me than those good looking purebreds that never call you back?'”

“And she chose you, huh?”

“No.” I pause, “But, she’s thinking about it.”