#FelinePortalToHell #WhatADumbass

I stroll into the living room and Salem is sitting in our cat carrier with the door closed. I walk up to it and he looks at me through the bars, grinning like crazy.

“What are you doing in there?” I am of course puzzled by this.

“Oh man, our human put those yummy tuna treats in here for me. Check it out.” He paws at a chunk of tuna.

“You do know that this is a portal to the vet, right?” I continue staring at him, bewildered.

“No, man,” he puffs up with pride, “this one goes to the DVM.”

#You’reSoDumbTheBlondeTabbyDownTheRoadTellsJokesAboutYou

#ThatShitDoesNotFitYou

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

My human has been eating too many treats lately. Unlike me, she doesn’t have this beautiful fur coat to hide it. She’s currently trying to squeeze into a skirt and it ain’t going well. Wow, you can’t Spanx your way out of this one lady. #ThatSkirtIsNotYourFriend

I stop licking my fur so she won’t get jealous. I just need to exercise her more. I back up to the wall and raise my tail. She sees me and shrieks.

Runnnnnnnnn!!!!!