“Soon, our human will be taking the family Christmas photo.” I look down at my stuffed mouse. “I don’t think I want to be in it this year. She’s obsessed with making it look perfect.”
My little brother Salem looks at me, “Tell me about it. She made me wear that stupid Christmas tie last year.” He puffs out his chest, “But I did look smashing. Face it; the humans need us to make them look good.”
“Is that the photo?” I point a paw to the mantle.
“Yep,” he grins, “See, I’m right there in the front row, licking myself.”
I look at my little brother Salem, and in a low voice, I say, “You know, brother, together we have survived adoption, a death in the family, screaming sticky toddlers, the great Friskies famine of 2020, illnesses, vet visits, and dog chases.”
Visibly touched, he smiles at me and nods.
I place my paw on his shoulder and add, “I accidentally peed on the human’s new rug this morning…”
He looks me square in the eyes and says, “Mister, I’ve never seen you before in my life,” and walks away.
I hear a tapping. I glance around the room and hear it again. Tap, tap, tap. Then I see her.
At the window, tapping on the glass is the most beautiful white Persian I have ever seen. I muddle over to the window and manage a feeble “Hi.”
“Hi. I’m so glad to see you. I was walking through your yard, on my way to a friend’s house, when I stepped in poop. You didn’t cover it up at all, and now I have it all over my beautiful white fur. See how it’s stained brown now? It looks and smells awful, and now I have to see my friend like this.”
Her voice gets louder and louder as she talks, but I can’t stop staring at her eyes. “Are you a dog or something? Why didn’t you cover it? It’s simply offensive. You need to cover when you go. And don’t you have a litterbox you could be using? It really is the most disgusting thing. You need to come out here and clean up your yard!” She storms off just as my little brother Salem walks up.
“What did she want?” he asks, his head tilting in her direction.
I turn to him smiling and stammer, “She said she was so glad to see me.”
My human almost walked in on me with my copy of Cat Fancy magazine. Damn, that was close. I open it up and there are obvious drool spots all over Maine Coon on the centerfold.
“Salem! I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t leave my stuff alone!”
Shit, now I need to find a new hiding place. Maybe putting it under my cat bed wasn’t the slickest move. Freaking little brothers. If he got into my stash of catnip I’m going to go all cougar on his ass! #PlayKittyMagazineForThoseLonelyNightsInTheAlley
Among us felines, my brother Salem boasts the most sneak attacks in our house. He actually prides himself on his ability to lunge at unsuspecting passers-by with the speed of a Cheetah.
I remember one day in particular, when he was strutting through the living room after an exceptionally excessive bout of bragging, and I pounced out from behind the sofa, bitch-slapped him across the face, and ran like hell into the other room in one swift drive-by, before anyone could blink.
I believe one of the smaller humans witnessed this feat as it was talked about among them for years afterward. Who’s bragging now? #ME #BitchSlappedThatBitch #FelineDriveBy
My owner tried putting some cheap ass off-brand cat food in my dish this morning to try and save a buck, #OhNoSheDidn’t, and I quickly shut that shit down! I snubbed that stuff ASAP, promptly walked over to her favorite blanket and yakked all over it. Let’s see if she tries that crap again anytime soon. Yeah, that’s right, I’m on Insta and Twitter. I followed @RealGrumpyCat #MaySheRestInPeace.