My human almost walked in on me with my copy of Cat Fancy magazine. Damn, that was close. I open it up and there are obvious drool spots all over Maine Coon on the centerfold.

“Salem! I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t leave my stuff alone!”

Shit, now I need to find a new hiding place. Maybe putting it under my cat bed wasn’t the slickest move. Freaking little brothers. If he got into my stash of catnip I’m going to go all cougar on his ass! #PlayKittyMagazineForThoseLonelyNightsInTheAlley

#BitchSlap Aka, Showing My Brother Who’s Boss

Among us felines, my brother Salem boasts the most sneak attacks in our house. He actually prides himself on his ability to lunge at unsuspecting passers-by with the speed of a Cheetah.

I remember one day in particular, when he was strutting through the living room after an exceptionally excessive bout of bragging, and I pounced out from behind the sofa, bitch-slapped him across the face, and ran like hell into the other room in one swift drive-by, before anyone could blink.

I believe one of the smaller humans witnessed this feat as it was talked about among them for years afterward. Who’s bragging now? #ME #BitchSlappedThatBitch #FelineDriveBy

Payback’s a Bitch

My owner tried putting some cheap ass off-brand cat food in my dish this morning to try and save a buck, #OhNoSheDidn’t, and I quickly shut that shit down! I snubbed that stuff ASAP, promptly walked over to her favorite blanket and yakked all over it. Let’s see if she tries that crap again anytime soon. Yeah, that’s right, I’m on Insta and Twitter. I followed @RealGrumpyCat #MaySheRestInPeace.