#ThatShitDon’tBounce

My human has a toy sitting in the kitchen that’s been taunting me quite a bit lately. It’s been sitting there, on the counter top, in the corner since we moved here in 2011. Every time I get close enough to it to investigate, my human shoos me away.

But she’s not here today…

She’s out of the house doing something called, “suffering through another damn pool party where I’m just going to wrinkle.” This is my chance. So, I jump onto the counter. I sniff it. Nothing. I touch it. It’s a little heavier than it looks. Must be something super cool though if they don’t want anyone else to play with it. It’s thinner on top than on bottom. I don’t have a toy this big. Yet. It’s label says it’s a “Gallo”.

I wonder what it does. I bet it bounces and rolls like a bitch! I push it a little.

Okay, my bad. It doesn’t bounce. Shit. There’s red stuff everywhere now. I have to go.

#ThatShitDoesNotFitYou

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

My human has been eating too many treats lately. Unlike me, she doesn’t have this beautiful fur coat to hide it. She’s currently trying to squeeze into a skirt and it ain’t going well. Wow, you can’t Spanx your way out of this one lady. #ThatSkirtIsNotYourFriend

I stop licking my fur so she won’t get jealous. I just need to exercise her more. I back up to the wall and raise my tail. She sees me and shrieks.

Runnnnnnnnn!!!!!