Why There’s No Privacy

I hear a banging sound and it’s interrupting my naptime. I go into the dining room and my little brother Salem is scratching and pounding on the bedroom door.

“Why are you pounding on the door?”

“Because our human closed it.”

“So?”

“So?! So?! What if she’s eating tuna and playing with a new catnip toy in there?”

I lift my paw, “Let me help you.”

Can We Keep It?

My little brother Salem runs up to me all excited, “I caught this lizard.” He lifts his paw just enough to show the reptile squirming underneath. “Can we keep him?”

“What for?”

“I tore the tip of his tail off and I want to see if it grows back.”

I glare at him, “Remember the butterfly?”

“For the last time, I thought his wings were velcroed on.”

Mystery Solved

All I can hear is our human yelling in the laundry room. I look over at Salem, “What. Did. You. Do?”

He shrugs his shoulders, “I just used the litter box.”

“Well, did you cover good?”

“Not in the ‘traditional’ sense,” he averts his eyes.

“Well…” I tap my paw and wait.

“There may have been a blouse sitting outside the litter box that got pulled in when I was scratching.”

Breakfast in Bed

Smelling food, I instinctively walk into the kitchen. One of the little humans is cooking. Umm, smells good.

I stop dead in my tracks. Glancing around I spot my sister Sasha and my little brother Salem nearby, “Hide!” I shout.

Once we are safely hidden, Salem turns to me, “Why are we hiding?”

In between pants, I reply, “One of the little humans is flipping pancakes with our litter box scoop.”

A grin spreads across Salem’s face, “But that isn’t our fault.”

“I know, but our human is almost done eating. Do you want to be around when she finds out?”

I Bet

Salem: “I bet I can jump on that countertop.”

Me: “I bet I can jump on that cabinet.”

Salem: “I bet I can jump on top of the cabinet.”

Two seconds later I am standing in a puddle of water, broken dishes and scattered utensils. I look around at the mess and scratch my head. “I bet I can jump on top of the refrigerator.”

My Crappy Day

My little brother, Salem, and I end up at the Vet’s office today for our annual checkup. I’m healthy as can be, but whatever.

We are both sitting in our carrier and the prettiest tabby you ever laid eyes on walks up to us. Her hair is spun of gold I tell you, pure gold.

I can’t think of anything to say to her. Finally, I get so nervous my body starts to vibrate and before I can stop myself, “Purrrrrrrrrr.”

Oh my God! Did I just flipping purr out loud? Tabby’s eyes wrinkle up and she turns toward Salem, “Do you come here often?”

He just smiles and winks at her and they start chatting it up. Asshole.

They spend the next thirty minutes chatting while I hide in the back of the carrier.

This place blows.

Naughty and Nice: Merry Christmas to All

Ah, the moment of glory is almost upon me. That moment when I present my human with what is to be the most illustrious gift she has ever received. The stunned look of surprise and admiration that will come across her face is going to go down in history subsequently marking my gift as the greatest feline gift of all time.

This is it. I trot up to my human and mew to get her attention. She smiles and looks down on me with loving eyes. I’ve got her eating out of the pad of my paw. I smile back and drop my beloved and beautiful Meow Mix leopard print mouse with the long string tail and belly that squeaks when you bite it at her feet. I sit back and await the marvelous harrahs and praise she is about to shower upon me for such an excellent and generous gift.

Here it comes. She bends down and gently pats the top of my head and coos. Oh, this is going to be good. I tremble with anticipation.

“Well, isn’t this the sweetest thing you ever saw? Thank you both so much. You’re the best little kitties in the world.”

What the @%$#!&*! Both? Perplexed, I turn my head slightly to the left, and to my horror, sitting right beside me with the biggest grin you ever laid eyes on, is my little brother, Salem.

Oh, I’ve been outmaneuvered. Swindled. Bamboozled and hoodwinked. Yes, I’ve been duped by the best in the business. I would like to take this time to say “Merry Christmas to all and God bless you, each and every one,” but first I have to kill a cat.

Santa Claws is Coming

Suffice it to say, I’ve been wavering between the Naughty and Nice list all year and with Santa Claws coming soon, I figure I need to do something to solidify my place on the Nice side. An amazing gift for my human just might do the trick. But what do I get her?

“Hey, Salem. What do you think we should get our human for Christmas?”

Salem’s mouth drops open, “We have to get her something?”

I blink a few times and then raise my right paw and bitch slap him. I bitch slap him hard. “Of course we do you numbskull.” Then I duck down and in my fastest auctioneering voice I blurt out, “If you want Santa to bring you treats you have to get her something so you’ll be on the Nice list and not the Naughty list so don’t slap me back I’m only trying to help you.”

He lowers his paw and I breathe again and stand back up.

“How about that old piece of string over there?” he motions toward the corner.

I restrain myself from slapping him again. “No, no. It has to be something she would love. Something special, beautiful, something extravagant.”

Salem’s eyebrows dip and he smiles, “Are you talking about yarn?”

Oh. My. God. How on earth does he get more dates than I do?

“Never mind. I’ll think of something myself.” I’ll get all the credit if I do it myself anyway.